Monday, September 5, 2011

The complete idiot's guide to getting rid of your devil cat

So, you say your dumb friend got you drunk and convinced you to take his new pet cat because his landlord told him he can’t have seventeen cats in a basement apartment eh?

In most cases, cats are pretty kickass. They do crazy flexible dance moves when there’s no sound, you can leave them with a grocery bag of catfood for two weeks and it will still be alive when you come home, and they kill mice. Nobody likes mice.

However, in a ton of cases, cats devour whole couches, ruin your dresspants with shedding and decapitate your feet in your sleep. This is just a short list of what devil cats do.

This is a short post about what you should do when trying to get rid of a devil cat, without going to jail.

If the cat is actually a kitten, like eight weeks old first thing you should do is try to get it to do silly things that kittens do and take a picture or two,

This will convince your buyer that it will keep their teenager or baby’s attention for at least ten minutes while the buyer runs errands and is too lazy to pay a babysitter.

If it’s an older cat; take its picture while it’s sleeping. When devil cats are awake they always have an evil look in their eyes when they’re sleeping they look harmless and great for a senior citizen.

Next, you find out what people look at to buy things, either internet search engines, or the newspaper. If it’s an online classifieds, you’re in luck because they’re usually free and you can post pictures, you deceitful jerk. The news paper is sometimes tricky because it usually costs money to post a picture but if you’re serious about getting Satan’s reincarnation you’ll spend the 5$.

Lastly – choose your words wisely. Sales is all about words, even if you’re giving it away.

Did you actually spend more money then 10$ a week for catfood on this cat, maybe even got the thing neutered or spayed?

Too bad, humans are cheap sons of bitches and usually don’t want to spend more then 15.25$ on a cat because 1. They’re crackheads 2. They want shit for free. You’re not walmart, so there is no sales target for you and they know it.

Here’s an example of a free kitten ad the way it should be.

I’ve got a fuzzy grey cat with adorable unique white markings. It’s about 3 months old, she loves to run around. She take a little bit of time to warm up but when she does she cuddles with you while you watch TV. She’s not fixed but there’s programs that are willing to do it. Her name is Molly and she can be all yours for FREE. I will even drop her off. I hate to see her go but my living circumstances have changed. Call me at this number”

This actually means “ I’ve got an unfixed female cat, she’s a mixed breed, I know it’s part tabby and the other half was probably a devil Siamese cat. This thing hated me for two months and now it climbs up my bare legs when I go to piss at 4:30am. It’s name is Molly BECAUSE IT MAULS THE SHIT OUT OF THE DERMIS OF MY SKIN EVERYDAY. I hate this thing so much I’m wiling to throw it in the trunk and drive twenty minutes out of the way then put it in the backseat the last five minutes and leave it at your house forever. Good luck and I hope you have some extra Prozac.”

This is an example of an adult cat for sale ad

“I have a mature long haired two year old ragdoll Burmese cat, he likes to spend his days looking out the window and relaxing on the stairs. He is neutered. He doesn’t bounce off the walls like kittens do and gets along fine with dogs as long as they’re small. His name is Jazz because my late-friend owned him first and my friend loved Jazz music. This is a free cat, don’t miss out on such a great companion!”

This is what it actually means. “I’ve got a mutt of a cat, it has long hair and it’s multicoloured. He stares a hole through everyone who walks past my house and loves to trip people who are walking down the stairs with a laundry basket full of clothes. This cat hates EVERYTHING but can stand small dogs, because it weighs more then most small dogs and in turn, will eat its soul if the dog drinks out of the wrong water dish. I named it Jazz because it followed me home two years ago when I got hammered at the jazz club and won’t leave my basement, unless I leave pizza at the stairs or something. I finally have grown a set of balls and trapped it in a cat cage, PLEASE TAKE THIS BURDEN,’

Or, you can leave it outside the 7/11 and hope it doesn’t make its way back to your house and that no one sees you leaving it there. Animal control notices aren’t fun.

Cheers!