Friday, January 18, 2013

Whoopsy, this is sort of delayed.

  I'm a dummy and haven't updated this in ages, however a whole lot of nobody reads this so I don't think too many people are grumpy at me... maybe. If it's any consolation, I kind of live at work, literally. I got a gig in Rocanville, Saskatchewan working at a remote camp on a project that primarily deals with potash which is fertilizer. Yep, they deal with shit for plants, literally. I'm not digging for it, I cook for the 1100 people that do that stuff for 21 or more days out of the month. Yeah, take that you 40-hours-a-week-ers. I work about as much as a "normal" person works in the span of a month in two weeks. It's awkward when your friends in the town your apartment is in ask if you want to grab supper on the weekend and you reply with "How about the end of next month?"

   The cooking gig isn't bad, but it sort of gets depressing the longer you stay; it kind of explains the massive turnover - even when you don't have attachments like manfriends/ladypals, kids, pets the fact that your workplace is completely counter-intuitive to establishing and maintaining relationships kind of kicks you in the ass. I can't imagine how awkward it would be like to explain to someone you get along with outside of work (out of the whole six days you're not at work)

                                  "Hey, I like you. By the way, I spend 21 days or more out of the month with about 1000 other guys. That's OK right?" 

                                                               Yeah, good luck with that one.
It works well if you trust one another but regardless, it's not just the trust you require it's the fact there isn't much of any closeness or anything for the vast majority of the time. Skype dates get boring, internet connections in most remote areas is completely garbage and phone reception is right up there with finding a unicorn
Some people end up finding someone they dig in camps, which is sort of lucky but you've got to be careful. There's a whole lot of people that will lie to you in that kinda place because most people go there can really say anything they want and there isn't much of anyone to say otherwise, unless they have a sibling or buddy that knows them there that can be like "What the heck? Why is Tim telling chicks he's single when he's married with kids?" Dude, Tim thinks he's single because there's a chick in camp that isn't 47 and completely oblivious to his wedding ring. Not everybody is like this but just like anyone else you have to be careful who you meet. 

  This place kind of forces you to make friends, or to be a room hermit. Depends on how much of an extrovert you are. I see my coworkers more then I see my family and friends and I don't know whether that is good or bad sometimes, I know when everybody else goes on turnaround but half the time I don't know when mine is.  Overall, at this point I don't mind it, but you definitely need some separation from work, more work and a social life but that's harder to do when you're a "local" and bump into at least 2 people from work on the few days you don't have work.  



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I'm bummed, go eat a bag of hammers.

       I'm probably going to delete the previous post, even though it's doubtful anyone will ever read it, or this for that matter.

         As soon as you're born you're expected to succeed, even if you're an infant who can't differentiate colours there is an incredible amount of pressure applied to accomplish goals that you probably haven't, and perhaps won't set in the first place. All parents want a successful, intellectual perfect child who doesn't wind up an alcoholic idiot who marries the guy who has the same traits; although evidently if you're a functioning alcoholic who can maintain a consistent flow of excellent Christmas gifts every year, that's fine too. Just pretend to look shocked when they wind up with liver cancer and play dumb by saying "they're just a casual drinker" and don't forget the open bar at the reception.
     There are some studies that have actually developed tests that can be given to children to give them an idea of the field they should pursue. This is what I call Ridiculous. The vast majority of people don't have a swift clue what they want to do in the future when they're grown, much less when they're like, seven. I wanted to be an icecream tester when I was 10. Luckily my parents pissed on every ambition I ever had, in turn I'm just a university educated-ish nobody that nobody cares about. Putting education on a pedestal is like bringing mom and dad home a stripper you met in Vegas and telling them she can "change"  after she takes the majority of yours - It sounds like a fantastic idea, but eventually you're going be robbed stupid and bitter at how naive you were.

    I wish people would get a cold shower of reality earlier in life, because that's the equivalent of how it feels initially; your chest tightens, muscles in your arms and legs tighten and you're woken up immediately to the cold reality and all the warm towels are in the washer soaked and you forgot to put them in the dryer this morning. There should be some kind of warning kids get while in the grades where they pass you because Gramma Jean wrote a pissed off letter in all capslock because she believes her grandchild is "raight good at Engmish" that their support systems in there lives are probably going to disappear off the planet quicker then you run when your fifteen year old girlfriend says she wants a baby.
      In closing, you are going to spend half your life trying to care about someone and the other half is going to be spent competing with someone on who can care the least.

Monday, September 5, 2011

The complete idiot's guide to getting rid of your devil cat

So, you say your dumb friend got you drunk and convinced you to take his new pet cat because his landlord told him he can’t have seventeen cats in a basement apartment eh?

In most cases, cats are pretty kickass. They do crazy flexible dance moves when there’s no sound, you can leave them with a grocery bag of catfood for two weeks and it will still be alive when you come home, and they kill mice. Nobody likes mice.

However, in a ton of cases, cats devour whole couches, ruin your dresspants with shedding and decapitate your feet in your sleep. This is just a short list of what devil cats do.

This is a short post about what you should do when trying to get rid of a devil cat, without going to jail.

If the cat is actually a kitten, like eight weeks old first thing you should do is try to get it to do silly things that kittens do and take a picture or two,

This will convince your buyer that it will keep their teenager or baby’s attention for at least ten minutes while the buyer runs errands and is too lazy to pay a babysitter.

If it’s an older cat; take its picture while it’s sleeping. When devil cats are awake they always have an evil look in their eyes when they’re sleeping they look harmless and great for a senior citizen.

Next, you find out what people look at to buy things, either internet search engines, or the newspaper. If it’s an online classifieds, you’re in luck because they’re usually free and you can post pictures, you deceitful jerk. The news paper is sometimes tricky because it usually costs money to post a picture but if you’re serious about getting Satan’s reincarnation you’ll spend the 5$.

Lastly – choose your words wisely. Sales is all about words, even if you’re giving it away.

Did you actually spend more money then 10$ a week for catfood on this cat, maybe even got the thing neutered or spayed?

Too bad, humans are cheap sons of bitches and usually don’t want to spend more then 15.25$ on a cat because 1. They’re crackheads 2. They want shit for free. You’re not walmart, so there is no sales target for you and they know it.

Here’s an example of a free kitten ad the way it should be.

I’ve got a fuzzy grey cat with adorable unique white markings. It’s about 3 months old, she loves to run around. She take a little bit of time to warm up but when she does she cuddles with you while you watch TV. She’s not fixed but there’s programs that are willing to do it. Her name is Molly and she can be all yours for FREE. I will even drop her off. I hate to see her go but my living circumstances have changed. Call me at this number”

This actually means “ I’ve got an unfixed female cat, she’s a mixed breed, I know it’s part tabby and the other half was probably a devil Siamese cat. This thing hated me for two months and now it climbs up my bare legs when I go to piss at 4:30am. It’s name is Molly BECAUSE IT MAULS THE SHIT OUT OF THE DERMIS OF MY SKIN EVERYDAY. I hate this thing so much I’m wiling to throw it in the trunk and drive twenty minutes out of the way then put it in the backseat the last five minutes and leave it at your house forever. Good luck and I hope you have some extra Prozac.”

This is an example of an adult cat for sale ad

“I have a mature long haired two year old ragdoll Burmese cat, he likes to spend his days looking out the window and relaxing on the stairs. He is neutered. He doesn’t bounce off the walls like kittens do and gets along fine with dogs as long as they’re small. His name is Jazz because my late-friend owned him first and my friend loved Jazz music. This is a free cat, don’t miss out on such a great companion!”

This is what it actually means. “I’ve got a mutt of a cat, it has long hair and it’s multicoloured. He stares a hole through everyone who walks past my house and loves to trip people who are walking down the stairs with a laundry basket full of clothes. This cat hates EVERYTHING but can stand small dogs, because it weighs more then most small dogs and in turn, will eat its soul if the dog drinks out of the wrong water dish. I named it Jazz because it followed me home two years ago when I got hammered at the jazz club and won’t leave my basement, unless I leave pizza at the stairs or something. I finally have grown a set of balls and trapped it in a cat cage, PLEASE TAKE THIS BURDEN,’

Or, you can leave it outside the 7/11 and hope it doesn’t make its way back to your house and that no one sees you leaving it there. Animal control notices aren’t fun.


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Gorgeous Getaways warning + sketchy jobs + Research is fun!

Holy shit, I haven’t posted anything in ages!

Primarily due to the fact that I’ve been busy trying to find work so I don’t end up homeless in Manitoba. Good news is that after ending out about eighty-five resumes I finally swung a new gig! Yay! I start on the 30th at a kinda-snazzy hotel as a banquet server/bartender. Yes, they hired a new bartender for the goddamn busiest long weekend of the year second to Christmas. CHA-CHING.

Bad news is random-totally-scam jobs like to email me. is fun to have your resume on – you may actually get a few interviews from it. YOU ALSO MAY GET FREAKEN’ AMERICAN COMPANIES TRYING TO HIRE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU LIVE NOWHERE NEAR TEXAS. I applied online for a secretarial position ‘cuz it said the office was pretty close to my house. I get an email back saying “HEY. DO YOU WANNA BE A SECRET SHOPPER IN YOUR TOWN – 250$ PER SURVEY THING?!” At the time I was at my wits end so I stupidly said “psht yeah for sheezy – me and my buddy will do it. I ain’t payin’ you shit all tho” and the response was a long winded “it’s cool bro, u gotta go to Western Union for one of your surveys tho; you gotta buy somethin’ but we’ll pay u beforehand yo” – this is all transcribed into Lauraese by the way. Posting long winded emails is for CNN.

At this point I basically realize it’s a total scam. I wasn’t super dumb though, I didn’t tell him my bank account number or SIN number. He did mail a package and by a package I mean a totally fake cheque for 1900$. I’m not a banker, and have never worked as one – BUT WHEN YOU MISSPELL THE LOCATION OF THE CITY IT’S COMING FROM IT’S A TAD BIT OBVIOUS.

Rigina, eh? I may have had a solid 52% in three years of Geography class in high school, but Jesus Christ. I even know that doesn’t exist. Please, if you ever get emailed, regular mailed or even called about secret shopping for DO NOT DO IT. I know lots of people dying to find work but if you continuously put yourself out there for LEGITIMATE employment, you’ll find something.

I got bored today when I actually received the cheque, which came in a GIANT UPS envelope even though it had a TINY piece of paper in it. So, I did what other university students do when they’re bored. THEY RESEARCH TRIVIAL THINGS.

The cheque was mailed by/paid by Gorgeous Getaways – I plugged that into google and apparently it is a company that sends people to asia to get plastic surgery at a super low cost. Yeah, the first thing I want to do when I want my flesh ripped apart is to use the CHEAPEST LABOUR YOU CAN RECEIVE?! People actually pay these folks to hook ‘em up with a vacation pack along with their plastic surgery, because you know the one thing I want to do while I’m swollen, in pain and in a dirty foreign country is to go swimming in water that’s probably seen more infectious bacteria then an AIDS patient. There are several places where these guys are set up (UK, AUS, new Zealand, Mexico, Canada, Malaysia, Costa Rica) and the cheque said that they are situated in “Rigina (Regina, Saskatchewan)” which is bullshit because the only office they have in Canada is in Edmonton. There are hundreds of online posts about terror that has ensued with people who made use of the travel agency – one woman paid 11,000$ for breast augmentation and rhinoplasty only to have her boobs wrecked and nose infections and then she had to pay a doctor in her country to fix it – 36,000$ later. It seems the company does a good deal of work on removing youtube videos of people who hate their services and have like 50 videos made by the company about how super rad it is.

I believe that Gorgeous Getaways and Mystery Shopper Canada Agency are one in the same company and both are committing fraud and preying on naive job seekers and insecure people who refuse to realize biology is going to take its course over time. For gods sake they BOTH use YAHOO! Still! If anyone wants information on any of the research I did on both companies/correlations shoot me an email or comment on this. No, I will not lend you 6,000$ because you’re somehow camping in Nigeria and lost your passport.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Bacon! Food! Tasty! Recipes?

Hey fools, I know you’re all up and all livid about the state of Florida instantly becoming the sociopaths of the world’s new vacation spot so I’m not even gonna press your opinion buttons. Instead I’m gonna fuck with your tastebuds and salivary glands.

It’s super fricken’ hot out now that it’s July, and by hot I mean like 35 degrees. In americanese that’s like 90 degrees. I don’t care if it’s hotter where you are, I just don’t like having my hand stick to the fridge everytime I open it now. I was up the other night at like, four AM talking to a few friends and one of them asked me for some random chicken recipes when I instantly realized I haven’t cooked up any cool shit and posted it on my blog in a while. I got to thinking of things I haven’t made in a while. My mom’s been off the handle the last few weeks while I’ve been home to get me to make her a cool dish so essentially she gave me money to cook with. I decided to make use of it by buying pasta and a whole lotta bacon and chicken.


This is the approximate measurements/stuff you need to impress mom/dad/orphan parents/the one you sleep with regularly

A box of fettuccini (about 150g) – whole grain takes 10-20mintes longer to cook but still fantastic

6 cups-ish of water

Dash of salt (make water boil faster)

2 cups of diced peeled carrots

However much bacon you want to use/need to use to make a layer. I used seven pieces.

3 cups of diced chicken

Tons of spices! Experiment with this! I just put gobs of pepper/paprika/chilipowder/garlic powder/parsely/thyme and mixed it all up in a bowl with the chicken and let it sit for about a half hour to absorb it all before i baked it

A fair amount of alfredo sauce. I used an entire bottle and it covered the noodles decently

3ish cups of grated marble cheese

A box of turkey stuffing



This is after I made the noodles with the carrots + sauce + spiced chicken, that was the first layer and I separated the two layers with a layer of bacon (duh)


This is the final product before I hucked it in the oven. Delicious.

post-baking for 15 minutes

My folks inhaled half of it before I could get a picture of the final-final product

Any questions on preparations feel free to comment below!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Extra, extra, read all about it - FREAKIN' 16 YEAR OLD MARRIES 51 YEAR OLD!1!1!!ONE


OK. I haven’t posted in a bit because I’ve been busy trying to pass this stupid summer course, but I was just looking at useless bits of information on the internet. I just read a 16 year old musical/”actor”/floosy Courtney Stodden married some old guy who was on X-files named Doug Hutchison.


This dingy broad is sixteen. Sixteen as in you can’t even vote yet sixteen. Sixteen as in you have you beginners license. SIXTEEN AS IN YOU STILL GET HIT FOR ID WHEN YOU WANNA SEE 18+ HORROR MOVIES IN THEATRES.

However, I don’t believe she’s going to be getting hit for ID anytime soon, seeing as how she looks like this

I know what you’re thinking, mom and dad must be trying to convince their daughter to make the right decision on who she marries, reminding her the decision making part of her brain isn’t fully developed yet, or at least covering her bedroom with pictures of half naked, 62 year old saggy old dudes to remind her, that her new husband is going to look like that when she’s twenty six.


“We are totally supportive of this marriage,” Courtney’s mother Krista Stodden told Radar Online. “Doug is a wonderful man and we love him.”

According to Doug’s website, they “became husband and wife on Friday May 20th, 2011, at 12 pm in The Little Chapel of Flowers in Las Vegas, Nevada. Mr. and Mrs. Hutchison live together happily ensconced in their Hollywood Hills home with their lil’ pups, Everette and Tuna!”


Every father can only pray to have such a man behind their daughter,” Alex told Radar Online, explaining he gave Courtney his full approval to walk down the aisle with Doug. “Courtney is one of the most levelheaded girls out there, and I’m not just saying that because she’s my daughter.”

He added: “Doug is the nicest man I’ve ever met in my life.”


Clearly, a team of psychologists, psychiatrists, and Miss Cleo need to sit this girl and her folks down to let them know that the last thing this pedophile and little girl need to do is get married and never, ever reproduce. Additionally, to figure out a more effective way to become famous – maybe instead of getting married to a creepy old guy and producing awful tone deaf music and drunk-sounding PSA’s

Where’s Chris Hansen when you need him. True “love” may be blind, but it isn’t it’s not the creepy old man who’s older then your own father.

Cheers fools!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Just a tad bit stressed

This is just a brief banter about shit that irritates me lately.

1. Summer school + lack of a job.

- Fuck Summer school. Fuck, it’s stressful and Canada student loan isn’t helping any. I failed anatomy and physiology in the fall because I’m genuinely stupid and in turn, need to complete and pass it this term, otherwise my ass is screwed financially and educationally. The course itself ran me 760$ to take it in six weeks and my unemployed ass had to pay for it. I obviously applied for a student loan, I got the assessment on what they feel I should receive to pay for my living expenses while I’m in school. They feel 1050$ covers my tuition, rent, food and other expenses like books. 1050$ covers my rent and 1/5th of my tuition and 0% towards my books. Nobody will hire me here because I’m in school for 10 hours a day until June 22nd and in June all the pesky high school students are going to secure all the decent jobs. Plus side is..uh...I’ve formed a study group in my class and we get shit done. Sort of.

- I’ve been getting the third degree to come to Nova Scotia and visit for the last five months and the people back home do not recognize the fact it costs me like, 500-700 bucks to get home and back. I have no job and they assume I have magical income I can pull out of my ass because I can budget better than them. Guess what? Budgeting is about spending money on shit you know you can afford! Guilt tripping someone isn’t a great idea if you want them to not be completely broke and stuck in Manitoba. I haven’t had a consistent job in almost three years due to moving around. Did you not get the fucking memo?

2. People who use you


I understand sometimes you need something that someone else can provide just out of the goodness of their demeanour. Heck, I’m cool with helping people out. I’m not a total dick. If someone needs help with school work and I know what I’m doing in the subject I’m game for explaining it to your slow ass. I’ll hangout with you when you’re etching to get out and no ones answering their phones. However, you’ve gotta draw a line sometime. When it’s blatant you’re being used it’s beyond irritating. I have a friend that I only tend to hear from when they want something. When I first got here they seemed pretty cool and they’re in my program so I figured it’d work pretty well. However they also know I hate bars and belligerent shit shows 90% of the time, so I guess this cancels me out of the friend circle and puts me into the overly responsible circle.

At the start of the school year they asked if I’d be cool to watch their infants one night and I decided to be nice and do it. I don’t see why not. Whatever. Three months later they call again and say “hey wanna watch my kid so I can get a beer with someone for an hour or two tonight?” Sure, why not? I’ll be extra nice because everyone should be able to hangout with a friend with a beer over dinner sometime.

A month later they call again. I’m far too nice and don’t want to seem assholeish and still don’t have much to do in this city so I say OK.

Today, I’m sitting around and they call again and ask me what I’m doing tonight. I’m on the fence on getting out of the house because cabin fever’s setting in because I really haven’t done anything in close to 4 months. He immediately asks if I’m cool with watching his kid tonight. The kids asleep by the time I get there. At this point I’m sick of it so I say I can’t because I might be going out/have to study. I say sorry and they say it’s ok and just before they hungup, I guess they didn’t fully hangup as I heard them say “bitch” under their breath.


I’m done.